Loudest when I'm alone
Can we hear ourselves amidst all the noise?
I thought my favourite part about living alone was the quiet.
Finding silence any time I please which as I’m reminded is a luxury as I’m visiting my family now.
From the early morning tumbling of dishes to the constant TV, silences are rare here.
But there are quiet gaps. The afternoon nap times. Or the nighttime after everyone hits the bed.
In these times, I search for the same fondness I felt for the quiet of my own home.
Of my solidarity. Of the freedom I felt in it.
But this silence… it’s not the same.
Because it’s not the quietness of living alone that I miss.
It’s how loud I can be in that quietness.
Be it my inner thoughts, my singing episodes or dancing around without a worry of knocking things down… what I loved was how much the silence allowed me to hear myself, in all my gloriously galling goofiness.
It’s been a week since I moved out of my apartment and have been staying with my family. I’m planning to stay a month here before I pack my life into a bag and set off on an adventure to remind myself of the joys of discovery that come with solo travel.
While the week has been nothing short of wonderful, I so miss the quiet.
I’m just starting to realise how much of my creativity flowed from these silences. How much of my urge to write down my thoughts came from the idleness that living alone afforded me.
The struggle to find inspiration and the time has been difficult.
Because there is very little stillness, I find myself restless. With the constant movement and clatter around me, I’m barely able to focus or even let my mind wander. So, I find myself talking… a lot.
The conversations have been mostly pleasurable and I have spoken with so many people (thanks to the festivities) who helped me remember that I’m doing well in life… While I love listening to them, I miss listening to myself, my thoughts and all the beautiful tangents it takes.
Am I making any sense?
I guess there is a time for calm and a time for clamour. And this time I’m determined to embrace the clamour.
Little Joys
“Joy is always around if only we pause to acknowledge it.”
With life's burdens and big ambitions, it's easy to overlook our everyday joys. These are my small joys from last week -
I have joined a gym with my brother. It’s his first time and I’m glad I’m here to help him get acquainted.
My nephew and niece love me!!! I’m over the moon that I was able to win their affection when I met them this time.
I’m getting to eat my mom’s food every day! She is an amazing cook!
People seem to want to talk to me. Neighbours, relatives, friends… Makes me feel like I’m a little interesting.
I got to sign an amazing new client! I’m now a social media manager to a brilliant and passionate movement artist.
P.S. If you enjoyed this, here are a few pieces I think you’ll love:
👉 Dreamer vs Dreader - Imagination's two sides
👉 With Love, Detached. Mourning our street dog's passing with gratitude
I completely relate to your experience. I spent 7 years in an American city (which is much much much more quieter than any Indian town) before moving back to Delhi. And I constantly find myself getting stressed by the sounds- of the traffic, of the kitchen, of the crowds. But this was more at a physical level- my resting heart rate was actually up and my watch alerted me. At an emotional level, I found myself constantly exhausted- because as you point out- we cannot listen to ourselves anymore and that connection with inner self is much needed. Slowly I am trying to make that time for myself consciously- find my own space (both physical and temporal).
I wish you luck in your journeys.
Nivetha - I cannot fully express how much I love this! All of what you've articulated has been swishing around in my mind lately... It's as if someone looked at the inside of my head and sorted all the chaos out 🥰