Did I heal or just swing to the other extreme?

Have you caught yourself on the other end?

I’ve noticed this before—can’t remember when.

But recently, during a Pause and Reset session by my beloved teacher Dr Nivedita Chalill, a conversation brought it back—

How breaking one pattern often creates another, which might eventually need breaking too.

And I finally put a pin on one of mine.

I’m afraid of success and responsibility now.

Which is strange because I used to chase them relentlessly—always striving, achieving, taking on more. And I was very proud of that trait.

It got exhausting. By my late teens, I was drowning in the pressure to always show up as my best self, unable to say no, signing up for way too much. The thought of being less than great gave me anxiety.

Unlearning that took effort. I even let myself fail a paper in my first semester just to be okay with it.

Slowly, I gave myself permission to chill until 25. No pressure. No need to be successful, responsible, or settled.

It was a beautiful ride.

But now, two years later, with goals and ambitions in hand, I never seem to get there. I keep changing routes, slacking right before the finish line. I did not think I was steering fully away from it and assumed the striving, achieving, and taking on more self was my default self that I was just taking a break from.

Turns out it’s time to unlearn the new conditioning - that not striving has become my comfort zone.

I thought I was just pausing, but maybe I built a whole new pattern—one where I avoid pressure, stay in the ease, and convince myself it’s balance.

This realisation was frustrating. Because I have noticed myself doing this in a few other things. Why do I keep swinging in the other direction? How do you hit the middle ground without having to unlearn multiple times?

I shared this in the session, and Nivedita ma’am said something that put me at ease:

"Maybe it’s not about a pendulum or finding a middle ground—because isn’t that imaginary too? It’s about what pattern isn’t serving you right now. The previous one didn’t, and now this one doesn’t. As long as you’re noticing the shifts and being gentle with yourself, isn’t that okay?”

And maybe… it is.

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Little Joys

“Joy is always around if only we pause to acknowledge it.”

With life's burdens and big ambitions, it's easy to overlook our everyday joys. Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the small joys from the last week. Here are mine -

• I got water colour supplies and started painting!

• Someone came all the way to where I’m travelling to spend a week with me.

• Wrote a lot more than usual!

• Had an amazing iced latte.

• Spoke to many of my people over the phone. I don’t typically do this.